The Daily Pennsylvanian Replaces All Staff Writers With Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters

The Daily Pennsylvanian Inc. would like to address a few things: we know Sidechat thinks this whole company is going downhill. We listen to the numerous complaints from people who don’t read past our headlines about our news reportage and opinion pieces; we see every contrarian rant about how Under the Button isn’t funny; and 34th Street Magazine remains non-controversial, sparking little-to-no discussion about it — but if there was we would mention it! We see you, we hear you: and we understand. 

So, in an innovative and remarkable business strategy, the Daily Pennsylvanian is firing all staff writers and hiring infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters. In a recent interview, the DP President had this to say about the decision: “it will increase work flow and output, create less biased reportage, and allow former staff writers to focus on their midterms.” How considerate! 

The DP President also had a few clarifications to make: all editors and members of the executive board will not be replaced since someone needs to decode and edit what the monkeys are writing. The DP is a place of logical structures and formal writing, not gibberish. Furthermore, the monkeys will not have an infinite amount of time to write each article; deadlines are a thing, people. The monkeys will, in fact, be using typewriters instead of Google Docs or Microsoft Word (or, to the special individuals, Apple Pages). We already sacrificed too much in giving them deadlines, we can’t change the format anymore without devolving into chaos. 

This decision has raised some important logistical questions, too: If there are infinite monkeys typing randomly on infinite typewriters given a deadline to write about current events on campus, how long does it take to become writer of the week? How long does it take to get mentioned in #kudos on the company slack? What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare? How long before the Daily Pennsylvanian devolves into the Pennsylvania Post? All of these questions will be answered in due time. 

This is my last article I am writing before monkey #61,846,217,926,462,518 replaces me. It has been an honor working here for the past six-and-a-half weeks. Thank you for this gracious opportunity, Daily Pennsylvanian. Goodbye.