‘I Haven’t Played the New York Times Games Today’ and Other Things To Think About While Your Girlfriend Breaks up With You

It’s that time again! Whether it’s someone you met in class or someone from the Marriage Pact; from Hinge or your soulmate who you were destined to be with forever but the timing just didn’t work out for various reasons… you’re busy and they were busy and you both wanted different things and all you needed to do was change just a little bit because the issue was never that serious to begin with but you made it a bigger deal than it was and it blew up the whole relationship and… I’m sorry give me a moment…

Anyways! The end was inevitable: that girl is breaking up with you. These conversations can be tough, but Under the Button's got you: here are some things to think about while your girlfriend is breaking up with you. You’re totally not deflecting so you don’t have to deal with the conversation in a healthy way, don’t worry!

“I haven’t played the New York Times games today”

That medium-level sudoku isn’t gonna finish itself. Once all that racket going on in the background is over with, it’s Wordles, Connections, and Minis all day. Hell, maybe it’s time to be adventurous and play the Letter Boxed — who am I kidding, nobody plays that!

“Philly needs a women’s basketball team”

It’s not enough that we have our lord and savior Joel Embiid — we need Joelle Embiide. I also bet $3000 that Philly will have a women’s basketball team within the next three years so I need you to manifest this at all times. 

“What is Ben Franklin reading?”

Does anybody know? I certainly don’t. He’s been sitting there reading it for quite some time now, too. Must be pretty interesting — I hope I get to read it someday. 

“New SpongeBob episode today yippee!!! :)”

Yes, you heard me correctly. A brand new episode of SpongeBob is dropping TONIGHT. Not that bullshit Patrick spinoff or whatever the fuck it is either. We’re talking the ORIGINAL BOB here. I don’t think you understand how huge this is. You need to start thinking about getting your fatass off her squishmallow, getting home, and watching some fucking SpongeBob Squarepants. 

“This girl was the love of my life and I lost it all. I ignored her needs, wants, desires, everything… and now I can’t do anything. It’s too little, too late. I will forever regret all of my actions that led to this moment. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

Oh, woe is me! Boohoo! It’s not that deep, bro. You were only with her for 5 years. Get over it.

Close your eyes, put two fingers to your temple, and wave the fingers on your other hand at her dog and think “OoOoOo I’m reading your mind oOoOoOo you’ll rub your butthole on her carpet OoOoOoOo”

Sure, this article is about things in your mind (also mine cuz I wrote this but you know whatever), but what about someone else’s mind? Using mind-reading, it’s time to leave one last impression on her by involving an innocent bystander: her dog Pickles. Pickles just took a shit, and guess what? He needs to wipe his ass; plus, a little motivation to do so never hurt anybody until now!