Hawk Tuah Themed Frat Party Takes Diddy-Esque Turn

LOCUST WALK, PENN CAMPUS – On the evening of Friday October 11, the brothers of Phi Ro Gamma Cuzzy threw a party that was doomed before it started. The naïve members of this fraternity had spent the last week planning their hallmark event of the semester, a “hawk tuah” themed rager which they could expect hundreds of students to pull up to. Somehow, they did not foresee the dark path that they were leading themselves and their party guests down. 

At first, all seemed fun and chill. The talk tuah podcast with Hailey Welch was streaming on most TVs in the house, and everyone was wearing cowboy hats and speaking with beautifully twanged southern accents. There was even a “man on the street” type guy who kept asking people uncomfortable questions, hoping to elicit a daring phrase that could propel the respondent into international superstardom.

But a mere 90 minutes into the party, things took a dark turn. Shit got diddy-esque real fast. We can’t even print most of it in this fine online news outlet, but trust us. Nobody said “no diddy.” It was bad.