“I’m Excited to Announce” and Other LinkedIn Humble Brags That Scream “I Have a Micropenis”

LinkedIn—a digital wonderland where where ambition meets artifice. Nothing quite compares to the thrill of seeing someone proudly proclaim their generationally inherited summer internship. The excitement is palpable! The rush is intoxicating. But beneath the curated profiles and meticulously crafted posts lies something more telling than an offer from a third-tier consulting firm: the deep-seated insecurity that screams, “I have a micropenis.”

Let’s break down some of LinkedIn’s most infamous humblebrags that reek of overcompensation:

“I’m excited to announce…” Translation: “Please validate me.” These posts are often paired with a large blurry image of a company logo, generic stock photos of handshakes, or awkward grins in business casual attire. Nothing yells, “I desperately need your approval” like publicly declaring your excitement for finally landing the role of Assistant to the Regional Manager. 

“I’m honored to have been selected for…” Translation: “Look at me! I’m so special!” This phrase drips with self-importance; the universe has finally recognized the talent that everyone else has been blissfully ignoring. It’s the equivalent of shouting, “I’m a big deal!” Because it’s not just about the role, it’s about the prestige of being selected.

"I'd like to thank [insert hiring manager/recruiter/team] for their support..." Translation: “Just thanking my C-suite dad for orchestrating this little charade.” This classic cover-up for our favorite nepo babies aims to project a sense of modesty, signaling, “I’m so humble and definitely didn’t get here alone!”

“I’m proud to announce that I’ve completed [insert certification/training]!” Translation: “Just trying to distract you from the fact that I’m not as accomplished as my LinkedIn profile suggests.” This certification is just my way of saying, “Hey, look over here! I can master VLOOKUPs even if I can’t keep it up!’”

“I’m thrilled to be part of such an amazing team…” Translation: “Every man for himself.” This is a thinly veiled reminder that collaboration means biding your time until you can backstab those who might stand in your way. You can bet this person is plotting their rise to the top while commenting “so well deserved” on your LinkedIn job announcement.

“I’m excited for the personal and professional growth…” Translation: “MY SIZE ISN’T INADEQUATE IN ANY WAY!” I’m just here to prove that I can expand my professional horizons, and my length.”