DP Sanctioned by Woke Mob After Reporting News That Did in Fact Happen

DP OFFICE, WEST PHILADELPHIA – At 6pm this evening, Under the Button received reports that the Daily Pennsylvanian was once again under fire from the woke mob. It seems these past few months that if it isn’t one thing, it’s another with the major news outlet on our campus. The most recent scandal? Reporting news that did, in fact, happen. 

Earlier this week reports surfaced of a certain individual capturing the attention of the campus in an indubitably newsworthy act. In an impartial, trustworthy, and yes, wholeheartedly cancellable sequence of events, DP staffers proceeded to take pictures, ask questions, formulate a narrative, and write news about this event. 

At this time, Under the Button would like to distance itself from any alleged associations with the Daily Pennsylvanian. We affirm our allegiance with alternative news sources on campus, such as the guy who runs the fruit stand across from Gutmann College House and that all-seeing security guard who stands outside Hillel and is actually a robot made by Ghost Robotics if you look into it. 

This most recent flub comes on the heels of the DP’s disastrous 9/11 coverage (see: 6th Plane On Crash Course for Mclelland Sushi Café, DP, 09/11/2001) and their entirely inappropriate comments following allegations of their association with P. Diddy.