Breaking: My Cat Costume Was So Good That When I Got MERTed They Took Me to Penn Vet

I started the night off with my whole makeup team. If you’ve seen that Grey’s Anatomy episode of the guy who has plastic surgery to look like a cat, picture that, but 100x better. Literally look up “Grey’s Anatomy Cat Guy”. This makes this all so much better so please just help me out and find it.

Anyway, I had temporary face and whisker implants, actual fur glued to my body, and everything.

I don’t remember much of the actual night. The last thing I remember is being outside of my dorm on the ground, licking my paw–I mean my hand. Then MERT came out of nowhere. Before helping me, they just proceeded to huddle up and chant: “1, 2, 3, MERT!”

Suddenly they’re all petting me, and I’m confused as hell. But I was tired, it was late, and I trusted them. It was weird when they gave me a glass of milk, but again, I just went with it.

“Oh no, are you ok little kitty?” One asked.

I groaned, but it just sounded like a meow.

They then proceeded to discuss my situation:

“Guys, I know we should help all these drunk students, but this cat needs our help.”

“Yeah! Just because he’s fat doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help him!”

One hostilely responded,

“No, Gina. We wouldn’t help him because he’s a fucking cat, not because he’s fat. What the hell.”

We finally got at what I thought was Penn MED, but it turns out it was Penn Vet.

“Oh my, we’ve got ourselves a REALLY big little kitty here, don’t we!” The vet said.

I didn’t respond. This was a lot about my body image in one night.

I was going to tell them I was, in fact, a human. But when they showed me my cage and it was SO much bigger than my dorm room, I couldn’t resist. That mixed with the free fish sealed the deal. I spent another week there just for fun, and later escaped. 

I want to thank MERT and Penn Vet for the amazing work they did for me. Even though you guys did mistake me for a huge cat, you still took amazing care of me.