Reducing Foot Traffic One Step at a Time: I’m Suplexing Everyone Who Stops Walking in Front of Me on Locust

Let me put you in my shoes for a second: I was walking down Locust on a beautiful Tuesday evening, catching some air while on my way back to my dorm. The wind tunnels were making my hair look great instead of ruining my twenty-minute hair routine. I waved at my on-again-off-again two-year situationship and they waved back instead of calling me a fat, ugly, lying, manipulative slob. Nothing could’ve possibly ruined this moment for me. 

That is, until I reached Huntsman — a student in front of me suddenly stopped walking to check their phone. Not being able to react in time, I bumped and fell on top of them. Embarrassing, but no harm no foul, right? Wrong. Someone walking behind me tripped over me and fell as well, and then the person behind them, and the person behind them, and — guess what — the person behind them. This continued until a dogpile of fallen students the size of Van Pelt formed. 

A random student managed to stop walking before joining the horrific amalgamation of bodies and pulled us off each other. They’re the reason I’m still alive today, and I would thank them right now… if only I knew their name. Furthermore, in the midst of all the chaos Penn Police were — thankfully — able to shut down College Green for the rest of the day.

Fast forward to the present. Since that incident, I’ve been working tirelessly to come up with a solution to this subtle yet deadly problem. All it took was an extensive eight minutes of research and a couple viewings of Monday Night Raw to come up with the perfect plan: suplexing. “Finally,” I thought to myself, “I can put several years of elementary school martial arts classes to good use.” This foolproof method of getting people out of the way and speeding up the flow of traffic has done wonders for me this past week. 

The best part? You, yes YOU can do it too! Next person who stops walking in front of you, just wrap both arms around their waist like you’re going in for a very slutty hug; tighten your grip, lock your body (whatever that means) and use your hips to bridge (idk what bridge means either) and throw this not-so-innocent student; watch as they soar above you like the elegant campus pigeon. They’ll be so stunned at suddenly being thrown several feet backward that you can quickly get up and leave without revealing yourself. Don’t let the person in front of you bring you down; bring them down.