To Improve Mental Health, Penn to Hang Two More Icicle Lights This Year

In a recent official survey conducted by well-qualified university officials, it was discovered that Penn students rated the Locust icicle lights as the most significant source of mental health support on campus. It should be noted that the survey did not include the option of illicit substances.

Since mental health support for its students is the university’s most important mission, Penn has noticeably increased the amount of icicle lights it has hung up after the results of this survey. Students who trudge back from a dreary evening class will now have an extra two icicle lights hanging above their heads. This will give students a staggering thirty extra seconds of exposure to the finest mental health resource out there: artificial LED light.

The retirement-age administrator who originally thought of the idea sat down with UTB reporters to discuss the recent developments. 

“We have expended a lot of resources to scale up the lights in this way,” the administrator said. “It took a lot of willpower, but we wanted to get it done so that students could reap even more benefits. After an extra $200, including the rate for the landscapers who hang the lights, we are happy to have gone the extra mile for student wellbeing.”

Administrators will even consider turning the lights on immediately after daylight savings next year, but as it is with many other significant improvements, there is no guarantee that this will be accomplished in such a short timeframe.