Under the Button Officially Endorses Whichever Candidate You Were Planning on Voting For

This election will be the most important one in our lifetimes. It will be even more important than the 2032 presidential election, or possibly even the 1924 election, because this election will be the one where we defeat fascism/communism/the gay agenda/the patriarchy at the ballot box — once and for all. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.

Your vote matters. You know this just as much as we do. This is why you read Under the Button, so you can stay informed on the issues that matter to you. We're no Washington Post: at our nation's darkest hour, they chose to remain silent instead of issuing an endorsement that would sway absolutely no one but allow out-of-touch New Yorkers to nod their heads in agreement. We know better than that. As a Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaper of record, both major campaigns (Donald Trump and Jill Stein), in addition to the Kamala Harris campaign, have been hounding us daily for our critical endorsement — and we've decided to officially endorse whomever the hell you were planning to vote for, so that no matter where you fall on the political spectrum, you too can smugly use our article to virtue signal on your Instagram story. Your voice is your power.

In 2020, the zero electoral votes allocated to the University of Pennsylvania were decided by a single Engineering student named Lucas Kim, swinging the closest presidential race in American history from a 7,059,525 popular vote margin to a 7,059,526 vote margin. Your vote matters, because you're special and you're so so so smart and you go to the University of Pennsylvania, an Ivy League institution. Because you've entrusted it to us, we have no choice but to be unequivocal. On behalf of the entire Under the Button writing staff and the majority of the Washington Post staff, we are unabashedly and full-throatedly proclaiming: We will endorse a candidate once you tell us whom you're voting for, because it would get weird between us if you said you were supporting a different candidate than us.