BREAKING: Cork and Candles Shuts Down After Management Realizes What a Dumbass Idea It Was

WEDNESDAY - It's been a tough week to be a Penn student. Reading days and finals week continue to wage war on their free time. A strong, faithful brother of Phi Psi was arrested. And worst of all, Cork and Candles has been shut down three months into business. 

For those who do not know, Cork and Candles was a business not far from Franklin's Table offering custom candle making workshops. You read that right.

Under the Button has acquired exclusive interview rights to Cork and Candles' management to understand what went wrong.

"Honestly, we were just a bit too audacious," general manager A. Wax said. "We really thought that we had found a niche in the 'can't think of anything else to do on a random Sunday' market in combining candle making with a light beverage here and there. Our market analysis led us to believe that we had viral potential, that hordes of gorgeous women would come streaming through our doors, right after eating two bites of their Double Knot sushi, and squeal some apeshit about how cute our dog candles were."

Studies from the Wharton School of Business indicated otherwise though. Marketing professor Barbara Kahn put it plainly: "I don't know what the fuck they were thinking."

We couldn't find any students who went to C&C to interview, but some students even wondered if there was something more at play than it seemed. One student told us that, "It seems that they have to be money laundering or something, dawg. I mean I walked past it all the time to get my $6 Dunkin' meal deal, but never see anyone in there. Something fishy going on man. I miss United by Blue."

Wax continued: "I mean, in retrospect it seems obvious that no student or other freak hanging around University City would ever want to pay $60 for some fuckass candle. I mean, our teachers don't even know what they're doing so half the time the kids were just walking out with some blob of amorphous crap. I really wanted to create a safe space for this niche interest to take flight, but I guess this same passion wasn't shared by others.

Under the Button mourns good business, so this has not been any particular loss to us. In due time it will be written up as a business case for MKTG 1010 or MBB, but for the time being the question remains - how did this dumbass idea actually happen?