Oopsies! I Mixed Up My Advil With My Laxatives and Exploded All Over Locust

I woke up with a horrible headache. It was so bad I didn’t even have time to put on my glasses. I grabbed what I thought was my Advil - and took 3. After I showered and all, I still had a horrible headache. 

I had to poop, but I assumed it was just the ol’ sunrise plop. But I was running late, so I left it in the chambers of my guts.

As I was walking on locust, I had to poop more and more. 

Did I have Chipotle last night? I hope I didn’t get E. Coli. from Chipotle. Again.

Dammit! I must have taken my constipated roommate's laxative pills. Shit!

My class was in DRL and I was coming from Gregory. The pain got so bad that I KNEW I had to find a bathroom. 

Sprinting now, I was running towards Van Pelt. 

Alas, I knew I couldn’t make it.

To save some dignity, I shat under the button.

The fumes were so bad that it actually melted the structure of the sculpture, and I was trapped inside. 

I did what any freshman in this situation would do, and called MERT!

“Shit! Someone had diarrhea under the button which caused it to melt and trap the person under the structure again?”

“Holy shit” someone said as they walked by. 

They were watching MERT save me. They put on hazmat suits, and put metal barriers around it, because that always keeps students away. But MERT couldn’t get me out! They could only think of one thing. 

“We need you to…poop on this small opening to melt it and make it bigger, so you can escape”

I was all out of poop, so I did the logical things. I had them bring me a plate of food from commons. Then I exploded once more, and in the perfect spot to make room for an escape. Score!

“Wow. That was…surprisingly quick”

I finally got out and escaped the inferno.

As I walked home I was covered in shame. And shit. Mostly just shit.