Now You Must Choose Between the Overcoat and Carhartt

It’s far past time— put away your puffer, this is Penn. You are a slender and ambitious freshman, and your ebid is contingent on the coat you choose today. Unfortunately you can’t have the Canada Goose because it’s not so chic anymore, and people will be able to tell our parents have money, which is a no no. Let’s go a subtler route. 

For your comfort, we’ve chosen a nice overcoat with shoulder pads bigger than your head. Don’t worry if you can’t fit into doorways, people will know you matter from outside the room. Your head will also be wrapped in a fuzzy Acne Studios scarf that is a mile long and 30 feet wide, so don’t bother going into rooms with people anyway, because you won’t be able to hear them. If we see you button that overcoat, God help you, because we’re going to kill you. You better leave that overcoat unbuttoned and swaying openly and fashionably in the °30 degree windchill. 

On the other hand, we’ve murdered a construction worker and stripped him. You may have his jacket— it is a size XL and you will dissapear inside of it. There’s some blood on the inside and photos of his family in the pockets, so you can keep those as souvenirs of authenticity when you resell on Grailed. The good news is the jacket has a hood, the bad news is the hood extends five feet beyond where your head ends. 

Is it too workwear for you? Is it too grunge? What if we gave you a necklace, would that be nice? And we’ll put you in a nice little pair of bright yellow sneakers and a tiny chic scarf. Also, lose the backpack dummy, you got nothing you need in there. Take this ginormous purse, we put cigarettes and sunglasses in it. Now get out of here, you’ve got class! And by class I mean sitting outside Arch.