After Successful Diddy Indictment, FBI Begins Preparing Case Against Penn Disney Acapella

Diddy do it? Yes, Diddy did it. Regardless of who my Spotify Wrapped top artist of 2024 is, and regardless of who my top artist has been for the past five years, and regardless of whose poster is on my bedroom wall (all four of them plus the floors and ceiling), I affirm that Diddy did it, and Diddy did it many times.

The problem is that when one pervert falls, another inevitably rises from the ashes. Shortly after the detainment and indictment of Mr. Combs, the FBI began preparing the case against the entertainment world's newest sexual predator: the entire membership of Penn Disney A Cappella. 

"When I went in for my audition, I wasn't expecting anything. I had been preparing my rendition of Friend Like Me from Aladdin for weeks, but when I stepped into the performance room, there was no microphone. Just a honey pack, a gallon of baby oil, and 30 people dressed as various animals from the Lion King."

When you go to Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse, you expect a positive experience filled with friendship and learning. Yet, for dozens of victims, visiting the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse means injecting an IV fluid line into your arm to fuel a three-day, non-stop, Princess and the Frog-themed freak-off. 

"I told them that I didn't want to do the freak-off. I wanted to sing Disney songs. They told me that if I'm looking to sing Disney songs, then Penn Disney A Cappella isn't the place for me. Penn Disney A Cappella is the place for hardcore deviant sex."

In response to the allegations, a representative for the club released the following statement to the press:

"Listen, alright. Am I sexually attracted to the female vehicles in the movie cars? Yes, I am. But do I ever act on that attraction? Yes, I do. Every single night in my bedroom with the Cars II action figure set and a bottle of lotion. But are the allegations being made against the Penn Disney A Cappella organization true? Yes, they are. We are guilty."