Breaking: Donald Trump (W '68) Stalls Saxby's Closing by 90 Days in Unprecedented Executive Order

On Monday, President Donald Trump (W '68) signed in a slurry of executive orders, of which one hits particularly close to home for Penn students. 

After officially withdrawing from the Paris Agreement, Trump turned his attention to University of Pennsylvania's Saxby's, located on 40th and Locust. The café recently announced plans to shutter its doors in May, clearing the space for a sedation center run by Penn Dental.

"I wanted to do something for the students of my great university, the Wharton School of Business, where I graduated top of my class," said President Trump. "So, I heroically stepped in to save a local coffee shop. I gave them 90 days, 90 days, I said, 'you'll have the same amount of time as TikTok, which is another great company, and I can tell, I'm a great businessman, one of the best'."

Upon hearing the announcement, Penn students expressed relief. 

"I think it’s pretty great," said one student, who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean, obviously Trump sucks and all that, but now I’m a little glad my dad voted for him. I don't know what I'd do without my daily iced caramel latte with oat milk. Starbucks just doesn't hit the same."

When asked about a potential executive order to extend Allegro's operating hours to their former length, the administration declined to comment.