If Hazing Is Morally Wrong, How Do We Weed Out the Little Bitches?

What’s the most important thing you can do as a student at the University of Pennsylvania? Some might say taking and passing classes you’re passionate about, while others believe it’s networking with people to get a head start on your career. A good handful will probably tell you it’s to enjoy what may be the best years of your life and live every moment to its fullest while you still have time. 

However, all of these idiots are wrong. Reputable sources claim rushing is the most important activity someone can do as a Penn student. Yet, the University holds firm to its strict 'No Hazing' policy for clubs and Greek life, citing concerns about safety and consent. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t pose much of a challenge for Penn’s chapters. But after an unexpected wave of rush chairs and presidents enrolled in PHIL 1000, they were confront the unsettling realization that hazing might be — at best — morally questionable and perhaps wrong. This leaves one burning question for recruiters: How do we weed out the lil bitches?

“There’s way too many lil bitches in this pledge class who just aren’t willing to do what it takes,” rush chair Fred Turnity (C ’26) said. “You know, I do miss some of our old traditions. People always got creative with their insults. Not to brag, but I was always the best at it. I was also a big fan of our 7-yard spank line. However, my teacher last semester mentioned Consequentialism a few times, and I’ve become a proud follower since. I realized that the consequences of hazing are totally unfit for our actions, and we need to focus more on building as a group for our moral benefit. Rush Liz Anscombe, am I right? [laughs for several minutes straight] You know, consequentialism and utilitarianism are so cool cause like…”

An hour and several failed attempts to get back on track later, Turnity continued, “One of our solutions was making the pledge class play a game of tag, but the lil bitches were the only ones who wanted to play. We didn’t anticipate all the cool people dropping over recess games. I mean, we could just drop the little bitches and try to bid the cool people again, but that would go against Aristotle’s virtue ethics. Oh, dude, you don’t know about virtue ethics? Here, let me explain — no, no, I don’t mind, seriously, this will only take a second, I insist.”

We also received comments from a current pledge. Rushing sophomore Sarah Ritty (W ’27), who wished to stay anonymous, had this to say on the matter: “You know it’s, like, a ton of lil bitches in my pledge class. I wish more people were cool and willing to do things like me, I’m super cool. Also, I know this is off-topic but all of the sisters keep mentioning something called Deontology? And this guy Kant? It’s really fucking weird and I wish they wouldn’t be annoying about it. Just making sure, everything I say will be anonymous, right? God, if they found out I said this about them it would be the end of the world for me. I don’t wanna face that.” Ritty, is indeed, not one of the lil bitches. She is a brave pledge of Kappa Alpha Theta, living on the fourteenth floor of Rodin, giving us valuable insight on the current situation. 

Under the Button tried contacting members of other pledge classes for more information, but the lil bitches declined to interview.