OP-ED: We Got Rejected From an LGBTQ+ Club, Now We’re Converting to Being a Straight Couple

There comes a time in every gay person’s life where they have to deal with rejection. We’ve all been there, right? Welllll maybe that’s not entirely true because we’ve never been rejected before.

Until now.

After months (minutes) of working tirelessly (barely trying) on the application process, we regret to inform you, our reader, that we have been rejected from an LGBTQ+ club at Penn. This club promised inclusivity, based on an application process built around, well, exclusivity. How chic. We had become so excited about the prospect of going out to C-tier Philly clubs every now and then and posting foreboding pictures. But turns out they didn’t think we were good dancers or white enough. What we lost? …Our homosexuality. 

Yeah, I guess we weren’t gay enough either. Even now, sitting across from each other at boozy brunch, we are searching our minds for an answer to how we ever thought of ourselves as queer. None of our experiences growing up, many of which we listed in said application, were that of queer people’s, who knew! We think our queer icons were also kind of problematic… should we not have said Trisha Paytas and Azealia Banks? Oh well, thanks to this rejection, we have discovered something far more valuable: our love for each other as a heterosexual couple :) 

Faresi… The time you invest in the gym means that you can lift me like we’re in Dirty Dancing. When I fly through the air in your arms… I feel so limitless. No woman could ever dissolve my boundaries like you do. I adore the time we spend together… reading Emily Dickinson and feeding each other pastries. When we dance at Frankie Bradley’s I don’t even mind when you stare at shiny, topless men, because I know that I am the only woman on our mind. Or around it… And when you leave with one. Well, I’ll just cozy up with y’all. I like men! Thanks club. 

Lila…. All those times you wrote about women in your bed, I just know you were actually thinking of me and just being a creative soul that swaps genders of her subjects for artistic value. I have always appreciated that about you, you know? Your ability to write free of constrictions such as the constrictions of homosexuality. In a way, you remind me of Virginia Woolf — including the lesbian sex while being with a man part. And now, thanks to this club, I can be that man in this joyous heterosexual relationship.

So thank you, club. Without you, we wouldn’t have learned the joys of missionary sex.