After Eagles Super Bowl Win, CVS Replaces Entire Viagra Section With Framed Photos of Cooper Dejean

The Philadelphia Eagles' Super Bowl win has made a lot of people happy. The players are world champions, Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirriani have silenced the doubters, and the fans had the opportunity to annihilate their own city brick by brick. But perhaps those who have gained the most from this dominant victory are none other than erectile dysfunction patients. 

Let me paint a picture for you. You are watching the second quarter of the game. Mahomes looks around, sees the pocket collapsing, panics, throws towards his receiver -- INTERCEPTED. COOPER DEJEAN. HE'S GOING ALL THE WAY BACK. PICK SIX. TOUCHDOWN. Cheering, you glance down and notice that your erect penis has ripped a hole straight through the front of your jeans. You panic that the guests at your watch party will judge you, but you look down and discover that they too have ripped gaping holes in their jeans with their raging erections. You sigh with relief and celebrate the touchdown by hugging one another.

Businesses across the city have taken note of this new phenomena and adapted accordingly. CVS has given its remaining Viagra stock to the homeless and replaced it with framed photos of Cooper Dejean. Every strip club within a fifty mile radius has fired all of its dancers and replaced them with framed photos of Cooper Dejean. University of Pennsylvania professors, in response to a lack of class attendance, have deleted their lecture slides and replaced them with framed photos of Cooper Dejean. Over one hundred thousand men have divorced their wives and replaced them with framed photos of Cooper Dejean. 

Penn researchers have spent the days after the Super Bowl conducting experiments to determine the source of Cooper Dejean's erection-causing qualities. They showed participants photos of several players and recorded the blood flow to their penis. The results are as follows:

Cooper Dejean: erection. 

Jalen Hurts: no erection. 

Saquon Barkley: no erection. 

Jalen Carter: no erection. 

Darius Slay: no erection. 

Patrick Mahomes: penis and testicles retracted into body. 

Reed Blankenship: erection. 

Scientists could not determine what common quality Dejean and Blankenship shared that sexually aroused their fans.