OP-ED: I Will Kill You

If you’re worried about what’s pressed up against your back, relax— it’s not my dick, bro. It's my gun; don’t worry about it.

Do you remember that time when I was in Hill and we were supposed to eat dinner, and you called me like five minutes before you reached and when I kept asking you where you were you repeatedly told me to look behind me, to my left, then to my right, up on the balcony and how I just wandered around, turning to every direction like a fucking bumbling idiot for five minutes straight? Admittedly that was a little funny, but I’m too embarrassed to lock eyes with the guards who were watching my every move so that sucks…

That time at Pottruck where we doing the shoulder machine and you had done it before but I hadn’t and you said that you “solo’d 150 ez no pain” and hyped me up by saying that I “got 180 in the bag” and slotted that in and then when I got on I almost fucking shat myself in front of everyone and probably permanently injured my shoulder— that was real fucking funny, bro. 

When you gifted me socks that said ‘I give the best BJs’ which hurt me for two reasons—

1. I don't play like that 
2. I don't give the best BJs so that's just objectively false, and worse— it detracts from the sheer eminence of Jeff Bolter whose monolith-worshipping skills are far superior than mine could ever be. So, for besmirching his name and making me look like a slut, you will die today.

That time when we were with our friends walking on Locust and someone farted (not me) and you loudly exclaimed “chocolate’s getting cooked in the Hershey factory!!!” and everyone laughed. Shut up bro, they call me Hershey now. 

When we were in Houston and you told me to go into the lactation room and took a picture of me cause you said it would be funny, and then later when I was eating with this girl in Houston (that you had never even met before btw), you stopped by and showed her the picture and said that I was doing things in there that you didn't even know were “biologically possible” and that my mammaries would have hers beat and then you got overly emotional for some reason and went on about how I was “mankind’s marvel and the convergent apex of all human evolution” and that I will “cradle humanity into its next childhood.” So goodbye.