Student Sitting on Toilet Endures Standoff With Cockroach

HARRISON COLLEGE HOUSE, WEST PHILADELPHIA — On Friday last week, MERT received several distressing calls regarding loud shrieks in Harrison, room 1901. Residents crowded the halls as MERT volunteers wheeled out Wesley Turnmovay (C ’27). Witnesses described Turnmovay as pale, limp, and pantless. After receiving life support at Penn Hospital, he was finally able to recount what transpired that fateful night:

Turnmovay is an average Penn student. He’s majoring in the humanities, participates in several a cappella groups, and claims to be from Philadelphia even though his home is in Trenton. That Friday, he returned from his 3:30 seminar and honored the start of a glorious weekend with a sacred tradition: kicking a door open, dropping his pants, and sitting on his porcelain throne for some personal time.

Approximately two minutes into his emptying solitude, Turnmovay saw it: Two feet in front of him was a Cockroach, standing tall and mighty, facing the vulnerable deuce dropper. Turnmovay was shocked but remained calm, knowing the roach was dangerous and not to be provoked. It jolted its antenna and turned around, climbing up the wall. The bug aggressively fluttered its wings, and Turnmovay realized there was no avoiding the inevitable: the little bastard was dangerous and ready for a fight.

As the Cockroach continued its way up the wall, Turnmovay slowly reached for the can of Raid that sat next to the toilet. Turnmovay unnecessarily added that his finger grazed a scarily wet plunger while trying to grab the can. UTB asked if this phased him, to which he responded, “No. If anything, it only strengthened my resolve.”

Turnmovay’s hand hovered over the Raid as the Cockroach stopped crawling. A tumbleweed of dirt, loose hair, and pubes rolled across the unvacuumed floor as they stared each other down. A suspenseful moment passed, and the roach sprang from the wall, honing in on Turnmovay’s body. All courage was quickly replaced with cowardice as he started blindly spraying Raid everywhere but where the Roach was — including his face and genitals. Evidence suggests Turnmovay was scared shitless; he stood off the toilet, screeching and grabbing at himself to get the Cockroach off before he eventually passed out from fear. MERT found his body moments later and wheeled him to the hospital.

J. Larry Jameson sent an email the following day, asking students to respect Turnmovay’s privacy. Little was added, but Jameson announced that Turnmovay is safely recovering and is on track to leave the hospital by next week. 

UPDATE: On Tuesday, February 4, Wesley Turnmovay was murdered at Penn Hospital. Reports indicate that a nurse walked in to give Turnmovay dinner when she noticed vitals were unresponsive and the life support was unplugged. Upon police questioning, she said she hadn’t seen anybody walk in or out of the hospital room. However, the nurse noted that she saw a Cockroach standing on an open window sill, surveying the corpse, before flying away.