Breaking: Student Tarred and Feathered in Huntsman After Using GSR to Do College of Arts & Sciences Econ Homework

Below is a timeline of today’s tragic events as they were officially released to the public:

Last Updated February 16th, 2025 5:17pm

8:53 AM: MERT was called on two witnesses in Pret for psychotic visions after they reported to campus security that “Revolutionary War soldiers entered Pret, marveling at the cost of an iced coffee ‘which used to cost 3 shillings’ back in their day”

9:15 AM: A UPennAlert was issued to students when a band of cavalry bypassed Huntsman security, using bayonets instead of Penn cards at the door.

9:20 AM: Soldiers dragged a meek sophomore, studying Econ in the College out of JMHH G67 (booked for him by his roommate). He failed to realize the threat to the BEPP learning process he caused when using the TopHat Micro textbook in such a place.

9:23 AM: The first public tarring and feathering since 1779 was carried out in Huntsman Hall. Students rushed out of lecture halls across the building as shouting was heard from the ground floor.

Who exactly ordered the redcoats to Huntsman today? Nobody knows. But the case is officially open: before the FBI could get involved, the Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club took the case for themselves. Bring any tips or leads to their GBM, Tuesdays at 8:30pm.