Van Pelt Masturbator Breaks Down Decision-Making in Choosing Location

Recently, a man was caught not once, but twice, masturbating on the University of Pennsylvania campus. The University has begun taking action against the assailant, but how sure are we that it'll be effective, considering it didn’t work the first time? Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator. 

The Van Pelt Masturbator, or VPM for short, only agreed to the interview if he was able to say his side of the story. His defense? “I really, really like masturbating in public.” 

With that out of the way, we asked VPM what goes into choosing a location, and what criteria he was looking for. He then pulled out a piece of paper with the following rubric, transcribed to a digital format with slight alterations made: 

When considering the rubric, I asked VPM if he could shed some light on his decision making and rate some UPenn locations.

1. The Love Statue 

1.3/10 

“I mean this one goes without saying. I just think it’s really ironic. I mean, I love love. Self love, y’know what I mean?”

2. Barista side table, Williams Cafe

3.4/10

“It’s a little trickier with this one, there’s a lot of variation. It really just depends on who’s working. Well, actually… I guess it doesn’t really matter who’s working because none of them let you masturbate in public. You'd think the liberal baristas would be more open to it. But they're just a bunch of -- ”

3. Far right booth, Hill Dining Hall

6.7/10

“Now we’re starting to get somewhere. I’ll let you in on a little secret, the cubicle tables by all the vegan food? Dude, no one goes over there! I’m there all. the. time!"

4. Third floor cubicle, Van Pelt Library

7.1/10 (formerly 9.8)

“This used to be my spot, man. Fuckin’ shame they got me. In the basement, there was this heater you could put your back to, all nice and warm, and a window that looks out on the Ben Franklin statue.”

5. The friends we made along the way?

Unrated 

“Maybe the real best spot to masturbate on campus was the friends we made along the way.” VPM proceeded to pull his pants down, start masturbating, and run out the room. Campus Police followed him, but he has yet to be found. Stay safe Quakers. 

As always, UTB's quest for the truth has hereby proved critical in our understanding of human thought processes and social behavior. More to come on the VPM.