Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad

Recently, a local Penn student reported an incident to UTB where an apparition with the face of the Hinge logo appeared in front of them and asked, “Oh warrior of Penn land yonder, hast thou slayed the Drexel dragon, or hast thou been slayed?”

And to it, they replied, “Milord, the dragon hath burnt me. Regret, I do, for leaving the treacherous land of IB summer 2026 interns with commitment issues. This wretched dragon of the Northern land does not have a co-op in investment banking, but it does still have commitment issues.” 

“I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age. Thank you, Hinge apparition, for giving me the opportunity to learn this. I will do better in the future.”

To that, the apparition nodded, and disappeared into the night. Alark! The Penn student sank to their knees, holding their fists up to the moon. 

“Dearest moon, devastation courses through my body from my war with the Drexel dragon, and I request to be freed from thine. I return back to the land of Penn, and here I shall remain.”

To this, the moon stayed silent, and hereunto forth cursed the student with another year of wasted time and regret.