Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani

McClelland has gone too far. Several days ago, I was waiting in a 30-minute line circling both the inside and the street surrounding the Michelin-star restaurant. I was ready to chow down on two meal swipes worth of authentic Japanese cuisine: the Chicken Bowl. 

Comprising of salty chicken, added soy sauce, and mysterious condiments that I don’t care to know about, I devoured both bowls in several seconds. Craving a refreshing beverage, I searched for the bottles of water provided with my meal swipe, but I was met with a horrific discovery: they put two bottles of fuckass Dasani water in my bag.

First of all, do they really have to give me two bottles of water whenever I get two swipes? I get it’s supposed to come with the swipe, but who wants to be responsible for a second bottle? I look ridiculous double-fisting water across Locust, and then I have to drink not one but two bottles of water at once. Do they want me to piss myself? A layman could argue that I could just put the other bottle in the fridge or somewhere else and save it for later — bitch please, I don’t have time to do all of that.

So to give me not one but TWO bottles of Dasani? I couldn’t stand for it. What happened to the trustworthy and reliable Deer Park they served us before? I was radicalized, and I decided it was time to do my duty and right as an American — to protest by a one-man thirst strike. The strike was grueling and punishing, yet I persevered with astounding results — for the first three days, at least.

I dropped dead 72 hours in and was taken to Penn Medicine, but it was too late. I was declared dead for seven minutes and thirty-nine seconds when either an anonymous supporter of my cause or just some random asshole slipped into my patient room and poured the refreshingly assaulting taste of a Fireball Shot into my mouth. I was jolted back to life, ready to see the fruits of my labor.

After being discharged today, I waltzed back into McClelland and was horrified to see Dasani still being served. After several minutes of holding up the line and angrily arguing with the kind McClelland cashier, we compromised: I asked for two lemonades instead. They proceeded to give me two bottles of Dasani anyway, so please join me in a two-man thirst strike starting this weekend. Applications to participate will be posted soon.