You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale

The exam you kept saying you were "cooked" for but did absolutely nothing about? Yeah, shocker—you did, in fact, get cooked. Charred. Burnt to a crisp. 

The curve? Not enough to save you. 

Your professor? Unforgiving. 

Your future? Uncertain. 

But don’t worry, because Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!

1. KCECH Rat

Fresh, free-range, and locally sourced—if you can catch it yourself. A true test of resilience, which is more than you showed on that exam.

2. Brick From Hill, Lightly Seasoned 

Get a taste of Locust Walk at the Pacific Fusion Station. Hard to chew, but not as hard as the reality that you have 0 internships and a GPA that now starts with 2. 

3. Literally Anything from Accenture 

The meal is irrelevant. What you’re really paying for is the immersive experience of being berated for your inefficiency of taking two extra seconds to decide between whether you wanted an egg-sandwich or an egg-sausage-sandwich. Hurry the fuck up bro.

4. Money Sandwich (Pret’s Newest Innovation™)

Two slices of artisanal air, lightly toasted and held together by the existential realization that you willingly paid $15 for this.  Eat the receipt for fiber.

5. Cyanide Pills and Bleach, Straight From Grommons

Grommons literally has everything. It surely won't run out of essentials in such tumultuous times: cyanide pills and bleach. Certainly, a safer option (and easier way to go) than anything labeled “chicken” from Hill. At least you know what you’re getting. No mystery textures. No unidentifiable chewiness. Just one final, decisive meal choice.

Midterm season is tough, but so are you… kinda. If none of these meals appeal to you, there’s always the classic fallback: chugging a Yerba Mate, convincing yourself finals will be different, and repeating this cycle until graduation. Godspeed, soldier.