Response From Penn Board to Recent Federal Funding Cuts

Oh man, we’re so sorry. We did not see this coming. The plan was to fight the Office of Civil Rights to defend our position, but holy moly they took so much money. They took so much money. What now? We’re gonna have to make some changes because there’s no way we can lose more money with this Title IX stuff.

Item one, we’re gonna have to find Lia Thomas and detransition her. We know this looks terrible, we know this looks terrible, but we hear from the NCAA that this is the only way to get our money back — money for life-changing research. So we got a team on her, and we’re going to make sure she is no longer able to destroy all of civilization with her swimming.

Next thing — Jesus Christ guys, these Jews. These Jews… we gotta give them something. So every dining hall is going to be kosher from here on out. Say goodbye to oyster night at Hill, scrap lobster rolls from Commons, and we’re gonna have to revamp much of Bento, probably a lot more avocado rolls. Because it’s not just shellfish and kosher rules, a lot of stuff hurts their stomachs, so that’s gotta go as well. Fried food, most red meat, anything with too much salt, spicy food, all gone. 

And we’re gonna throw in a little treat for these Jews because we don’t just want to not lose money, we want a little extra as well. Thus we will be unveiling Penn’s Amazing Plan to Celebrate Our Jews in All Their Semetic Glory Forever. Here is the plan: McNeil will now be a synogogue, because nobody uses it anyway. The Huntsman building — it's now the Yeshiva, also because nobody uses it. We will be amending most of the Kelly Writers House programs to include Talmudic study or otherwise Torah-related events. And the final change: J. Larry Jameson is now J. Larry Jameschvitz, baruch hashem. 

We hope these changes will benefit our community and lend us a little breathing room in the endowment for better snacks at the Huntsman Yeshiva and research or whatever. We value our long-standing partnership with the federal government wherein they spank us for being naughty and we do whatever they want.