Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin
Your situationship is sitting there awkwardly, perched on your couch. This is the first time you've hung out before 10 P.M...
Most Recent
Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?
There she is, typing on her phone so elegantly with her hyper-extended index finger.
Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin
Alexandra Lemer
Sunday, Nov. 2, 2025Sun, Nov 2, 2025
Your situationship is sitting there awkwardly, perched on your couch. This is the first time you've hung out before 10 P.M...
Op-Ed: The Louvre Robbery Wouldn’t Have Happened if Van Pelt Bag Checkers Were There
Rafael Foster
Saturday, Nov. 1, 2025Sat, Nov 1, 2025
"We need le help of les bag checkers de Van Pelt au Louvre!!!" said a concerned Parisian.
Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?
Meera Bholah
Friday, Oct. 31, 2025Fri, Oct 31, 2025
There she is, typing on her phone so elegantly with her hyper-extended index finger.
Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident
Ryan, a former Fisher resident, expressed his grief over Jeremy’s passing: “He’d swing by my room late at night with his buddies to say hi. He used to shit on the floor sometimes, which made me feel so validated cause I do that too. Jeremy was a real one… I’ll miss that little fucker with all my heart.”
Think You’ve Seen It All? That Girl You Know Just Soft Launched That She’s in a Senior Society
Alexandra Lemer
Monday, Oct. 27, 2025Mon, Oct 27, 2025
Me? Jealous? I'm NOT jealous.
LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests
James complained: "the Lakers drafted my son Bronny so now we have to shower naked together after every game."
Wharton Boy Discovers It’s Not Normal to Keep Shirt on During Sex
An experience, for sure.
Op-Ed: THIS IS A SUPER SECRET AND YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE!
I'm only telling you this because you're like my third best friend here.
Apollo the Phi Delt Dog Officially Initiated as PC ‘25; Graciously Agrees to Lick Vomit During Hazing Rituals
Apollo joins the COB Phi Delt PC '25.
Cooked: Your Chem Midterm Grade in Epstein's Preferred Age Range
With a shiver, you realize you're doing numbers only child sex offenders are excited to hear.
Women Are Repulsed By Me: Here Are the Best Lunch Spots in West Philly
As someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 19 years, these are some of my favorites.
Breaking: Hummus Grill Owner Self-Immolates in Front of Wonder in Final Act of Defiance
Wonder is on track to be the first ever successful restaurant with inedible food
Local Asian-American Genuinely Passionate About Consulting / Medicine / Founding a Startup
Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang stated that “solving the world’s most complex problems/helping the world’s most vulnerable people/creating things that people all over the world want has been [his] singular interest during his one semester at Penn so far.”
Eager Freshman Confuses Penn Traditions: Throws Toast on Ben Franklin and Pisses on Franklin Field
Margot Englander
Wednesday, Oct. 8, 2025Wed, Oct 8, 2025
University officials cite an honest mistake made by a freshman.
Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"
Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.
Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven
Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.
Breaking: Wilcaf’s Missing Supply of Ice has Been Found in the Silfen Study Center's Vents
Nina Becket
Tuesday, Oct. 7, 2025Tue, Oct 7, 2025
Climb into the vents and grab a handful.
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
OFSL Enforces New Golden Ticket Entry Requirement for all Fraternity Parties
Students rejoiced upon finding tickets hidden in their chocolate bars: it read, "Janae's Golden Ticket: Valid for One Darty." However, one student wasn't so lucky. Instead of gold, his silver slip read: "Valid Only at Spades."
Breaking: Acme Shelves Empty After People Buy Groceries
Acme Supermarket’s University City location was left devastated after an average flow of grocery shoppers on Wednesday afternoon. District Manager Kristen Lewis condemned what she called “an appalling display of greed,” citing customers who dared to purchase eggs, cereal, and even a single bag of spinach.
