Harrison Roaches Now Qualify for Financial Raid
The University of Pennsylvania’s Office of Pest Control (OPC) on Tuesday announced a $20,000 gift from local bus celebrity Top Dog Law to purchase extra-powerful Raid for Harrison College House.
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Why is Everyone Getting Fingered at the Bio Pond Except Me?
Consider this my formal open call for anyone who would like to finger a wonderful young girl (me) at the bio pond sometime soon. In an ideal world I would prefer a handsome and talented brunette but really, I’m flexible. Hit my line. Thanks.
Harrison Roaches Now Qualify for Financial Raid
The University of Pennsylvania’s Office of Pest Control (OPC) on Tuesday announced a $20,000 gift from local bus celebrity Top Dog Law to purchase extra-powerful Raid for Harrison College House.
Breaking: Girl files Course Action Notice citing "very petite, will be blown away by nor'easter" as reason for absence
Sasha Grosberg
Sunday, Sept. 27, 2026Sun, Sep 27, 2026
Leaving her dorm is not a risk worth taking.
Why is Everyone Getting Fingered at the Bio Pond Except Me?
Consider this my formal open call for anyone who would like to finger a wonderful young girl (me) at the bio pond sometime soon. In an ideal world I would prefer a handsome and talented brunette but really, I’m flexible. Hit my line. Thanks.
Gutmann College House to be Converted into Human Zoo
The change comes after years of unsolicited SABSing via the dorm's extensive glass layout.
Zuckerberg announces launch of Ray Ban Aviator Meta Glasses in honor of Gloria Steinem: "Women deserve to see too"
Sasha Grosberg
Thursday, Sept. 17, 2026Thu, Sep 17, 2026
Just don't even think about asking for equal pay.
Help! My boyfriend won't stop talking about some girl named Parlay.
Sasha Grosberg
Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2026Wed, Sep 16, 2026
Should I be jealous?
Resume Tips: How to Make it Seem Like Your Summer of Doomscrolling and Bedrotting was Productive
Sara Goldberg
Thursday, Sept. 3, 2026Thu, Sep 3, 2026
Do your "skills" and "experiences" sections need work? Here are some great ways to polish them up while using vaguest terms possible to avoid further questioning.
Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
Overheard During FWOC: "I Didn't Know Penn Was Gonna Be This Diverse, I Just Dad to Talk to Some Girl From Wisconsin" & 9 Other Exchanges
Sasha Grosberg
Tuesday, Sept. 1, 2026Tue, Sep 1, 2026
Remember, we're always listening…
Op-Ed: There’s Not Enough Room in This Recitation for Two Busty Blonde Bimbos
My bag? It’s huge. Prada. My hair? It’s fried. Bleached. My chest? Two words: honk honk.
Man With High Body Count Hoping Girlfriend is a Virgin
After viscerally describing his last sexual experience with a girl whose name he can’t remember, Rothstein simply sighed and smiled. “You know, there’s just something especially sacred about being with someone who has only been with you.”
OP-ED: In Times Like These, Van Pelt Needs A New Masturbator
If you, dear reader, are the potential third Masturbator; I urge you, please, cum forth.
OP-ED: I’m Old, Here’s My Advice
You want some advice from an old guy like me?
Magic Bush Found at Magic Gardens
Have you ever seen a bush? A full fledged, magical, flourishing bush. Well, I have. And I saw it at Magic Gardens.
Flo Rida Facing Backlash for Plans to Sing ‘My House’ On Indigenous Land
Protests are expected at the Spring Fling celebration where Rida intends to make his statement. Needless to say, it will be ‘Going Down for Real’ this Saturday.
Kenn Kweder Announced Spring Fling Headliner
The neighborhood legend is making his big-stage debut April 17th at Penn Park.
Everybody Else Thinks Your Class is Easy
(they all told me).
Op-Ed: Why I Won't Be Rolling This Magic Gardens
Truth is, I felt so odd rolling. Even greater truth is that rolling is the worst style of dancing, and meth is funner anyway.
Iran Announces New AI-yatollah, Nation’s First Chatbot Supreme Leader
The leadership change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership.
