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Hot or Not: Is Your Mullet Giving Fakemink or Theo Von?

Bad news.

Musings From a Quaker Meeting in Philadelphia

Can I have a wooder?

10 Things I Would be Grateful For if I Had Them

1. Dining room table in my apartment Where have my roommates and I been eating dinner, you ask? The couch.  2. Clean couch in my apartment  I like to play this game where I focus on a new square foot of the couch every day and imagine what might’ve stained it. The answer is always food.

BREAKING: Brave Girl Goes for Seconds at Buffet During Speaker Event

Can't blame a girl for being hungry, especially when she only had an iced latte for lunch. 

Penn Announces Wasian Studies Major

The major’s inaugural class would matriculate in Fall 2027, with students taking courses such as “MUSC 4673: Traditional Wasian Music from Laufey to Olivia Rodrigo” and “COMM 0180: How To Announce That You’re Wasian Without Being Annoying About It.”

Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn

Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you. 

Jealous of Mamdani's Virality, Philadelphia Mayor Cherelle Parker Searches for New Ways to Misspell "Eagles"

Couple That Has Already Been Inside Each Other Nervous for First Date

Having seen each other naked last Saturday, the two students are terrified of what the other might think now that both their clothes will be on. 

“I Like House Music” and 10 Other Lies I Tell Myself To Get By

I am glad that I saw Pawsa live. 

Palm Beach Here We Come! Mamdani Wins, We Move!

Penn New Yorkers tell their stories. 

Horse Girl Disappointed to Find There Was No Dressage at Farm

Why isn't anyone else wearing chaps?

I Brought My Immigrant Mother to Smokes and She Exploded

My mother doesn’t drink much. Instead, she prefers to buy property, amassing generational wealth as a landlord.

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place

How two divorced parents reignited their romance at Smokes this weekend 

Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin

Your situationship is sitting there awkwardly, perched on your couch. This is the first time you've hung out before 10 P.M...

Op-Ed: The Louvre Robbery Wouldn’t Have Happened if Van Pelt Bag Checkers Were There

"We need le help of les bag checkers de Van Pelt au Louvre!!!" said a concerned Parisian.

Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?

There she is, typing on her phone so elegantly with her hyper-extended index finger.

Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident

Ryan, a former Fisher resident, expressed his grief over Jeremy’s passing: “He’d swing by my room late at night with his buddies to say hi. He used to shit on the floor sometimes, which made me feel so validated cause I do that too. Jeremy was a real one… I’ll miss that little fucker with all my heart.”