BREAKING: Brave Girl Goes for Seconds at Buffet During Speaker Event
Can't blame a girl for being hungry, especially when she only had an iced latte for lunch.
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Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn
Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you.
BREAKING: Brave Girl Goes for Seconds at Buffet During Speaker Event
Sasha Grosberg
Monday, Nov. 17, 2025Mon, Nov 17, 2025
Can't blame a girl for being hungry, especially when she only had an iced latte for lunch.
Penn Announces Wasian Studies Major
The major’s inaugural class would matriculate in Fall 2027, with students taking courses such as “MUSC 4673: Traditional Wasian Music from Laufey to Olivia Rodrigo” and “COMM 0180: How To Announce That You’re Wasian Without Being Annoying About It.”
Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn
Hannah Gong
Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2025Wed, Nov 12, 2025
Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you.
Jealous of Mamdani's Virality, Philadelphia Mayor Cherelle Parker Searches for New Ways to Misspell "Eagles"
Molly Wisor
Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2025Wed, Nov 12, 2025
Couple That Has Already Been Inside Each Other Nervous for First Date
Having seen each other naked last Saturday, the two students are terrified of what the other might think now that both their clothes will be on.
“I Like House Music” and 10 Other Lies I Tell Myself To Get By
Alexandra Lemer
Thursday, Nov. 6, 2025Thu, Nov 6, 2025
I am glad that I saw Pawsa live.
Palm Beach Here We Come! Mamdani Wins, We Move!
Sasha Grosberg
Wednesday, Nov. 5, 2025Wed, Nov 5, 2025
Penn New Yorkers tell their stories.
Horse Girl Disappointed to Find There Was No Dressage at Farm
Sasha Grosberg
Wednesday, Nov. 5, 2025Wed, Nov 5, 2025
Why isn't anyone else wearing chaps?
I Brought My Immigrant Mother to Smokes and She Exploded
Hannah Gong
Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2025Tue, Nov 4, 2025
My mother doesn’t drink much. Instead, she prefers to buy property, amassing generational wealth as a landlord.
We Found Love in a Hopeless Place
Sasha Grosberg
Monday, Nov. 3, 2025Mon, Nov 3, 2025
How two divorced parents reignited their romance at Smokes this weekend
Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin
Alexandra Lemer
Sunday, Nov. 2, 2025Sun, Nov 2, 2025
Your situationship is sitting there awkwardly, perched on your couch. This is the first time you've hung out before 10 P.M...
Op-Ed: The Louvre Robbery Wouldn’t Have Happened if Van Pelt Bag Checkers Were There
Rafael Foster
Saturday, Nov. 1, 2025Sat, Nov 1, 2025
"We need le help of les bag checkers de Van Pelt au Louvre!!!" said a concerned Parisian.
Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?
Meera Bholah
Friday, Oct. 31, 2025Fri, Oct 31, 2025
There she is, typing on her phone so elegantly with her hyper-extended index finger.
Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident
Ryan, a former Fisher resident, expressed his grief over Jeremy’s passing: “He’d swing by my room late at night with his buddies to say hi. He used to shit on the floor sometimes, which made me feel so validated cause I do that too. Jeremy was a real one… I’ll miss that little fucker with all my heart.”
Think You’ve Seen It All? That Girl You Know Just Soft Launched That She’s in a Senior Society
Alexandra Lemer
Monday, Oct. 27, 2025Mon, Oct 27, 2025
Me? Jealous? I'm NOT jealous.
LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests
James complained: "the Lakers drafted my son Bronny so now we have to shower naked together after every game."
Wharton Boy Discovers It’s Not Normal to Keep Shirt on During Sex
An experience, for sure.
Op-Ed: THIS IS A SUPER SECRET AND YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE!
I'm only telling you this because you're like my third best friend here.
Apollo the Phi Delt Dog Officially Initiated as PC ‘25; Graciously Agrees to Lick Vomit During Hazing Rituals
Apollo joins the COB Phi Delt PC '25.
Cooked: Your Chem Midterm Grade in Epstein's Preferred Age Range
With a shiver, you realize you're doing numbers only child sex offenders are excited to hear.
