The bad part about someone watching you do hip thrusts is that you’re doing hip thrusts while someone is watching you.

I don't know how I can go on right now. 

I know one thing will always be there for me: my culturally diverse but also culturally sensitive but also culturally accommodating Grommons frozen meal exchange section. 

I had to look up what "poverty" was in the dictionary. I wad appalled when I read the definition. 

I don't think it helped that I was meowing instead of speaking... 

Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.

Finally I can put several years of elementary school martial arts classes to good use.

If you're going to talk in the quiet car at least make it about something cool like insider trading. 

What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare?

enjoy <3

“I’m excited to announce…” Translation: “Please validate me.”

We’ll miss you, you crazy kid

Beth from Bainbridge street is so valid.

Oh, woe is me! Boohoo! It’s not that deep, bro. You were only with her for 5 years. Get over it.

I have a tattoo behind my ear and I’m still scared of needles and do you believe in false dichotomies?

Who needs a Penn card when you have a credit card?!!

There is a lot at stake in this upcoming election. Our democracy is on the ballot, and so is your right for me not to fill your lungs with more metal than a vape.

I’m not sure what type of animal she is but she looks delicious.

please

Nobody said “no diddy.” It was bad.