Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It
His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.
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Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day
Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.
Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It
His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.
Stop Having Dates at Stommons
Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.
Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day
Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.
American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement
While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.
The Buddha Came Home from His Nepalese Gap Year and Won’t Shut up About Buddhism
Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.
Penn Females Boycott Parties, Shutting down Ratios and Party Culture
“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.”
Frat Too Cool to Mix with Any Women
“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still."
Have You Seen My Engineering Friend?
She can also be found asking what math class you’re taking — only to flash a patronizing smile when you answer.
Amy and Her Friends 'Just Went to New York' over Fall Break
After taking a particularly fire photo in front of a garish M&M billboard, Amy decided that she had found a new profile pic for Facebook.
Bloomers Show Fails to Pass the Bechdel Test
That's all good and well, but, despite an all-female cast, the Bloomers show failed to pass the Bechdel Test. Even though every actress on stage was a woman, every skit was centered around a man, his penis, and how that penis potentially might be shrunken down to nothing.
Students Reserve Group Study Room to Study Individually Together
In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together. “I think it’s a really effective way of socializing. I say hi to my friends when I enter the room, sit down, and start studying,” said junior Arseh Ole.
Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth
The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible.
'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank
I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own.
YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today
On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”
Crazy: This Guy on Locust Asked Me If I Wanted Double Penetration
Just because I can get it does not mean that it’s acceptable to hit on me. Although I was secretly very flattered to be asked if I wanted double penetration in broad daylight, that does not mean that the comment was appropriate.
OP-ED: Let’s End the Stigma of Handing in an Exam with Your Backpack On
Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?
Penn Museum to Rebrand Itself as 'Interesting'
In an article earlier this month, the Daily Pennsylvanian reported that the renowned Penn Museum was “rebrand[ing] itself as a ‘gift to the city’ after recent renovations.”
Sophomore Assures Friends That He’s Cuter in Real Life
She scrolled through his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest to find a flattering, non-blurry picture of his face from the past three years to no avail. All she could find were group pictures from his middle school soccer team and blurry Photo Booth selfies with the sepia filter.
Creative Writing Professor Gives Student’s Childhood Trauma a B
“The part where he watches his childhood best friend die from a grand mal seizure was not particularly compelling. His grandfather’s ongoing battle with dementia, juxtaposed with his brother’s debilitating opioid addiction was a nice thought, but not successfully executed.”
BREAKING: Meet at the Tampons for Some Club Hazing
Plan to be done with all this around 11:00 P.M. That's when we'll be done yelling at you for being new. Expect us to look at our friends for reassurance as we scream at you — we don't know what we're doing!
