Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!

Several informants confirmed that Patrick could often be seen looking cool while being nice to people around campus. 

After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.

On Friday, the details for dismantling the United States were summarized, but the full report won’t be released until the following month.

McElhanney adopted the misguided idea that his students had the time or desire to read a book a week after gaining tenure and forgetting the feeling of stress.

Seriously, name another law of murder. “Don’t murder”? “Stop murdering people”? “Murder is bad, don’t do it please”? They all boil down to the same thing, friend. I think you get where I’m going with this. 

Although the days might be growing shorter, the sunlight dimmer, and the leaves browner, something is a bit off about this fall season. It might be the fact that it’s October and still 85 degrees outside. You can’t even walk to class without people wondering whether you’ve gotten a new Glossier delivery or you just really sweat that much.

Located in a converted bar, this place has it all: beer, wine. Sometimes people. But that doesn't really matter because you're not going to go.

As a result of his increased feigning of self-perception, Istem has found himself surrounded by women who are now suddenly attracted to him.

In this wholly unprecedented turn, Furda looked in the mirror and saw a man capable of possessing both power and penitence. Acknowledging that his public tirade at the Philadelphia Eagles game was demeaning to the local sports community and the city as a whole, he defied nearly 300 years of university policy.

The new health service, a result of an ongoing collaboration between Student Health and Career Services, has left me feeling immeasurably relieved. It has offered me solace and peace and has allowed me to get through my Econ seminar without worrying once about whether I’ll have old eggs when I’m at the peak of my professional trajectory.

Thesis advisors everywhere will urge you to avoid topics you don’t fervently care about. “If you write about something you are deeply passionate about, this process will be a lot easier,” Professor Likehert tells her students. Then I thought, what more do I care about than myself?

So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is.

 Here he is at the Maclay family reunion last September. 

Has your guest every been to Six Flags Magic Mountain? That makes a difference in which tiny piece of paper I give them to put in a basket literally seven feet away. Oh wait, it’s a Tuesday before 2pm? Then I’m going to need your mother’s maiden name as well.  

Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.  

John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.

 These sleek Wunder Under High-Rise Tight Snow-Washed Ribbed leggings are something else. You could say that they’re the height of athleisure.

Jenny decided to pick up a Fujifilm disposable to take cute pics of her friends drinking various types of spiked seltzer.

As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction.