No Roommate Agreement Necessary: This Suite Lives and Dies by the Mayflower Compact
“This is our Plymouth.”
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Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4
Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.”
No Roommate Agreement Necessary: This Suite Lives and Dies by the Mayflower Compact
“This is our Plymouth.”
Revere Me! I Am That Person to Whom This Carrel Is Registered
If you could read, you would know this is reserved.
Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4
Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.”
OP-ED: Clicking Interested on Facebook Events is Doing Enough to Combat Injustice
I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.
Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?
Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman?
Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie
Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling.
OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?
MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE.
Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It
His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.
Stop Having Dates at Stommons
Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.
Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day
Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.
American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement
While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.
The Buddha Came Home from His Nepalese Gap Year and Won’t Shut up About Buddhism
Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.
Penn Females Boycott Parties, Shutting down Ratios and Party Culture
“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.”
Frat Too Cool to Mix with Any Women
“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still."
Have You Seen My Engineering Friend?
She can also be found asking what math class you’re taking — only to flash a patronizing smile when you answer.
Amy and Her Friends 'Just Went to New York' over Fall Break
After taking a particularly fire photo in front of a garish M&M billboard, Amy decided that she had found a new profile pic for Facebook.
Bloomers Show Fails to Pass the Bechdel Test
That's all good and well, but, despite an all-female cast, the Bloomers show failed to pass the Bechdel Test. Even though every actress on stage was a woman, every skit was centered around a man, his penis, and how that penis potentially might be shrunken down to nothing.
Students Reserve Group Study Room to Study Individually Together
In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together. “I think it’s a really effective way of socializing. I say hi to my friends when I enter the room, sit down, and start studying,” said junior Arseh Ole.
Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth
The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible.
'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank
I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own.
