Because, as you know, people who shop at Micro Mart are anything but micro, in any sense of the word.

UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.

DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.

President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.

Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title.

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?

In a surprising 12 place jump, Williams Hall has beat out Van Pelt and Huntsman Hall in the 2019 Daily Pennsylvanian Safest UPenn Academic Building Rankings. 

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.

Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.

Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.

Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.

The five-minute conversation consisted of Reed playfully arguing with the four male students in the front row while the rest of the class watched.

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.

Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.

If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."