"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.” 

Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it. 

"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions." 

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 

I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at.  

People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down. 

They found rock-hard evidence.

These schools only exist to confuse Penn students who are just trying to sign into their Xfinity on Campus accounts.

The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class. 

In their defense, Fox News hopped right into discussion after the debate had finished. "This is Tucker Carlson reporting from a green screen of the Democratic debates in China. This just in. Democrats: do they exist? And if so, I think I might hate them. Back to you, Jim." 

There are so many things that make being in a sorority amazing: mixers with fraternities across campus, philanthropy events, my new raging case of herpes, and the next three years which I am blessed to spend as an older role model to my future sisters! 

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 

In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme. 

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."

 “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  

Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries.