OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker
UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.
Most Recent
Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying
President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.
OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker
UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.
Report: Entire Free World Apparently Taking Geology This Semester
DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.
Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying
President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.
Student in Natural Disturbances and Human Disasters Is a Human Disaster
Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title.
Robots Rejoice! ARCH Cafe is Ours
HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?
Williams Hall Ranked Safest Building on Campus
In a surprising 12 place jump, Williams Hall has beat out Van Pelt and Huntsman Hall in the 2019 Daily Pennsylvanian Safest UPenn Academic Building Rankings.
OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable
I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.
UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content
I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.
OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse
Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.
OP-ED: If My 4 Twitter Followers Don't like My Funny Tweet I Will Self-Immolate
I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.
Top 10 Most Hilariously Dumb Penn Course Reviews
Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.
How to Recover from Having Your Snapchat Camera Flipped the Wrong Way While Taking a Piss at a Urinal
Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.
Male Professor Talks About Sports
The five-minute conversation consisted of Reed playfully arguing with the four male students in the front row while the rest of the class watched.
OP-ED: Someone Answer My Piazza Question Before I Fucking Lose It
I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.
Quiz: Is She Ghosting You, or Is She in the Monk Class?
Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.
No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor
Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.
Cool! Girl Next to me Staring at Her Phone Even Though We Both Know Damn Well There's No Service on This Elevator
If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.
OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!
My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you.
This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story
"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."
This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning
For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.
