After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English. 

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 

I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.

 If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny? 

Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.

You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?

 Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it? 

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  

Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.  

 Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”  

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”  

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.

Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.

Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.”