I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.

Per university policy, Kroll was immediately re-enrolled as a freshman. A College Office staffer commented that “the administration believes Hey Day is so irrevocably entwined with the Junior Experience™ that any student who misses it can hardly be allowed to be called a Penn student at all.”

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.

Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 

That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.

Your response to the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) will help us to further enhance the general vibes on campus. Please complete your PISS by clicking on this link.

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.

I myself have many friends who have fallen victim to horrible addiction and by no fault of their own. No, it is the large, slimy, money-grubbing corporations that are to blame. They are the ones to profit from the addictive nature of the human body, and these corporate pigs care nothing for the individuals that are affected.

Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.” 

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.