If all the turtles die, who am I going to swim with when I go back to my fave spot in Kauai? Def not my mom lol. Pleaseeee save the turtles so I don’t have to hang out with my mom in Hawaii! 

Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.

Seems like Ole Maxy forgot to come back to the land of the living after pulling an all-nighter working on his valuation of Toys R Us.

I don’t care if you have the sweatiest ankles in Pennsylvania. You have to wear pants.

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.

This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."

I knew that without Fling to look forward to and enjoy, my life would be quite meaningless. 

He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.

 It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A.

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?

After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "'Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"

With the light and smog from downtown, you can barely catch anything. That’s why this moon sighting is so, so crucial.

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.