Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.  

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.

A difference of a half hour can be absolutely crucial.

That's right, a full 15 minutes after the hour-long meeting began, Katie burst through the door apologizing for her tardiness. She didn't give an excuse, but her banana whip with chocolate chunks and cookie crumbles shows no signs of melting.

The decision to declare a flood advisory was reached "after careful deliberation of a number of factors," chief among them being the presence of several hundred "exceptionally horny" students waiting to catch a glimpse of the Queer Eye star in the flesh.

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 

Don’t get me wrong. You seem super dope with your high-top converse and all, but this isn’t working out. 

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"

While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 

haha i mean well yea my mental health isnt [100 emoji] at the moment u know

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.

I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.

As I looked across campus, I couldn't miss the mass movement of students turning up in all shades of green, making their total commitment to a progressive Green New Deal heard loud and clear. 

Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.