Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.

Frontera takes a month to make a sandwich, so really, all things considered, it's pretty impressive that they might be able to close entirely within just a few months. The scariest part about Frontera closing is that it's possible that they'll close before finishing someone's meal.

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.

By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.

UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.

During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?

The Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.

Ever since me and my 500 roommates moved in, everyone has been so welcoming.