Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.

Despite the spine-breaking, sexless, and financially crippling nature of their existence, some students claimed to be, “Just fine,” “Grateful to be here,” and, even, “The best they’ve ever been.” 

After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.

Kevin isn't poor. I mean, I've met his parents. His dad is kind of ugly and his mom is hot, so yeah, I bet he's rich.

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.

 mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.

But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.

That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!

Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.

Despite living minutes from her friends, enjoying her first experiences with drugs and alcoholic substances, and being at the highest level of fitness she will ever achieve, Raymond is often found angrily tweeting about her situation.

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.

Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops.