Ladies, on this campus riddled with hand, foot, and mouth disease and midterms-induced greasy hair, we have to prioritize cleanliness when securing a mans for the long, cold winter ahead.

She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”

For Engineering freshman Julia Hayes, life can get just a little bit lonely between her seven-hour Netflix binges and two-hour long sob sessions.

No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.

I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.

"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."

Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.

Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.

Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends.

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.

Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals.

Last Friday, visitors to the Fisher Fine Arts Library found themselves at the center of a terrifying confrontation.

"We did it. We did surgery on a grape."

All hell broke loose when the topic of the trade war came up.

How does one identify a hell week if... uhhh... they’re all are kind of terrible?

Embarrassing! Sam Sun’s (C '21) Spotify followers totally saw him bopping to Sheck Wes’s "Mo Bamba" at 10 a.m.! “It helps me wake up,” he protested when asked about these claims.

"We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!"