Study Finds DRL Bathroom Has Higher Attendance Than Lecture Hall
In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.
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Girl Whose Parents Donated $20 Million Still Fucking Owes Me $30
She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned!
Study Finds DRL Bathroom Has Higher Attendance Than Lecture Hall
In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.
Post Midterm Elections, Penn Students Now Morally Allowed to Stop Caring about Politics for Two Years
Many Penn students can afford not to care about politics because those politics do not directly threaten their health and safety.
Girl Whose Parents Donated $20 Million Still Fucking Owes Me $30
She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned!
International Student Delighted to Be Invited to Tense, Angry Dinner with Friend and Friend’s Family
The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?
It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.
Overachieving Friend Somehow Better at Self-Loathing Too
Belinda Liu
Monday, Dec. 3, 2018Mon, Dec 3, 2018
"It’s kind of refreshing that someone as accomplished as Samantha can feel the same sort of things as normal, regular folk like me."
Student Thought to be Studying Abroad Actually On Campus, Just Really Into RuneScape
Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.
Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour
Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.
Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News
Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.
Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets
Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.
OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?
Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.
'He Trimmed His Nails Before Fingering Me' And 5 Other Hygienic Reasons Why You Should Cuff
Ladies, on this campus riddled with hand, foot, and mouth disease and midterms-induced greasy hair, we have to prioritize cleanliness when securing a mans for the long, cold winter ahead.
Bio and Theology Double Major Eats E. Coli Lettuce to ‘Put Natural Selection to the Test’
She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”
Student Calls Penn Walk for Laundry Room Trek Out of Loneliness
For Engineering freshman Julia Hayes, life can get just a little bit lonely between her seven-hour Netflix binges and two-hour long sob sessions.
OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!
No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.
OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App
I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.
SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones
"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."
4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested
Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.
OP-ED: If Penn Isn't Going to Stock Tampons in the Public Bathroom Dispensers, They Should at Least Fill Them With Candy
Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.
'That Wasn't So Bad' and Four Other Idiotic Things People Say Seconds After Failing Their Exams
Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends.
