Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour
Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.
Most Recent
Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets
Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.
Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour
Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.
Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News
Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.
Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets
Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.
OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?
Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.
'He Trimmed His Nails Before Fingering Me' And 5 Other Hygienic Reasons Why You Should Cuff
Ladies, on this campus riddled with hand, foot, and mouth disease and midterms-induced greasy hair, we have to prioritize cleanliness when securing a mans for the long, cold winter ahead.
Bio and Theology Double Major Eats E. Coli Lettuce to ‘Put Natural Selection to the Test’
She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”
Student Calls Penn Walk for Laundry Room Trek Out of Loneliness
For Engineering freshman Julia Hayes, life can get just a little bit lonely between her seven-hour Netflix binges and two-hour long sob sessions.
OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!
No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.
OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App
I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.
SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones
"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."
4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested
Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.
OP-ED: If Penn Isn't Going to Stock Tampons in the Public Bathroom Dispensers, They Should at Least Fill Them With Candy
Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.
'That Wasn't So Bad' and Four Other Idiotic Things People Say Seconds After Failing Their Exams
Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends.
Study: Extent of Students' Activism Directly Equivalent to How Much They Post on Facebook
The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.
Student Two Bites Into Copa Nachos Already Dreading Tomorrow’s Bowel Movement
After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.
Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them
It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.
Kid Trying to Leave Group Conversation Says 'Alright' 4 Times
According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.
BREAKING: Local Dog Population Fucking Pissed About This NCH West Business
Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals.
Prank Stabbing in Fisher Fine Arts Just Leads to Irritated Shushing Noises
Last Friday, visitors to the Fisher Fine Arts Library found themselves at the center of a terrifying confrontation.
Doctors Who Did Surgery on a Grape Give Talk at Penn Med
"We did it. We did surgery on a grape."
