Listen, I’ve spent all but $9.24 of my Dining Dollar$ for the semester at Pret A Manger — sue me!

Most professors covet a 4.0 rating on Penn Course Review. Dr. Eric Malor wishes he could get rid of his.

Researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have found a near perfect correlation between kids who bullet journal and kids say that growing up with a dog was “so annoying,” a proxy for psychopathy. 

While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."

To the surprise of literally none of his hallmates, Engineering freshman Brad Hawkins has been caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit 2012 single “Call Me Maybe” for the sixth time. 

Here are a couple ways you can still score a coveted dedication while paying off your student loans in this lifetime.

He's set his sights on one of the most difficult engineering challenges of post-industrial life.

When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. 

From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.

The first few students said things like "the opportunity to study at this school" (nerd) or "my metabolism" (weird flex but okay).

The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.

"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"

Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).

Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.

Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.

On a campus which was awash in a midterm voting rush just weeks ago, wouldn’t these students who claim to be politically active on American issues be aware of one the biggest economic events of the past decade?

According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”

I can only smell it in our room, but I haven’t ever left the room so it could be further than that.

People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.