They literally don’t belong here.

Unbeknownst to me, that little bitch (read: fantastically successful and impressive athlete) just doesn't give a fuck about the beautiful things I have to say to her.

Despite never taking a dance class in my life, the representatives regard my pudgy legs and deem them “perfect for our types of choreography.”

Imagine you came up with these awesome email ideas but are still struggling to get that letter. You’re seeing people around you. They’re going to career fairs. Where are you? Wilcaf. Writing satire. They have jobs. You don’t. They’ve been accepted to their abroad programs. You haven’t. 

I want to explore the world! I want my mind, body, and soul to experience different environments, different cultures, different halal carts, even! 

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.

Now you know how large these buildings are, as well as the color of my nails. 

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.

Is this some sort of karmic retribution for my entitlement, is the world mocking my self-assuredness, in an attempt to prove me woefully wrong?

“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Jimmy Buffett

Just like other highly effective and admirable organizations here (I'm looking at you, CAPS), MERT understands the basics of supply and demand.

Turns out they were a group order of fakes in their own right. 

Magill responded to the findings via IG story: "We are so back."

My lightweight rowing team also, suspiciously, is all white. Any group of 5 that I create out of them has no Chinese people in it at all.

 Fellow explorer of the unchartered territories of Path@Penn, if you find this, please tell my friends and family that I love them.  And please tell the professor that I am unable to drop the class, as I am dead.  

He’s just a man to me. I always wondered why I looked Wasian despite having a white dad. Well now I know, this fool failed the test.

Beep boop beep boop.

These freshmen just come to their Quaker Day, see a mirage of colors, grab the first bandana they see, and get straight to the felonies.