Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.

Dr. Smith did not respond to requests for comment, but a one-way receipt for a plane ticket to Aruba and her latest Facebook posts show that she is far away from the stresses of dealing with the acne-ridden, stress-fueled, overly affluent freshmen who occupied her previous daily life.  

Mayhew also said she and other debaters have been big fans of Gritty for a long time. 

Let's just call the whole thing off. You don’t want my grades to be as bad as the President’s, do you?

The service would pick up and drop off ballots for students for only $9.99, traveling distances as far as 0.2 miles (the furthest any student is from a polling location).

The disease can be brutal, but having it makes you realize just how lucky you are to be a living person with hands, feet, and a mouth.

Jamie Reston (C '19) entered the gym with the intent to warm up on the elliptical and then jump into a core-blasting pelvic floor exercise.

For some reason, the Mexican international just can’t do it, even though he gets pestered by the same, perpetually-smiling guy on Locust every day.

Unlike the program in Huntsman, non-College students will have equal access to the grandma hired for this position.

Have you ever been trying to take an innocent trip to the bathroom when, in the next stall over, you hear the tell-tale snap, crackle, pop of a Juul pod that’s less than 50% full?

Lenny Kravetz (C ‘22) entered college without a sense of direction.

Dear Ari—may I call you Ari? I hope so. I've been a major Arianator ever since I was 15 and really resonated with your hit single "Side to Side."

It’s obvious that we’re blessed to go to Penn. We have great sports teams, a robust counseling program, and cold weather. 

Um, excuse me. Can I help you? What are you doing?

Researchers at Penn are investigating a specific breed of person who may require no such protection from the elements: the tank-top-flaunting “Cali Bro.”

Life has been busy. Homework is endless. You were supposed to send those emails a while ago.

Woah there bucko! Git that duelin’ look out yer eyes.

Local hero Dana Klein (C ’20) had both the environment and her roommate’s wellbeing in mind last Thursday when she left her dirty pan on the stove after cooking a somehow-burnt batch of scrambled eggs.

For years, Gene Klein (W ’21) has been complaining about his lack of sleep.

Look: We are all watching our weight, and some men can’t afford to eat very much of this pussy.