Most Recent
OP-ED: I'll Eat Mold If It Gets Me a Room at the Inn At Penn
When I applied to Penn, I made sure to put the Quad as my top housing priority.
First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?
As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.
Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice
Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.
Penn Quaker Method Acting to Prepare for Starring Role in New Horror Franchise
The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.
OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals
Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is.
Senior Walking and Mumbling to Herself Not Actually on Phone, Just Has Imaginary Friend
To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.
Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good
At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.
Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy
Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?
Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent
Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.
Up and Coming Stand-Up Comedian Masters Standing, Ready to Start Writing Jokes Any Day Now
Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.
Big Whoop: Mark J. Rowan’s Donation of $50 Million was 1.6% of His Net Worth, I Donated 1.7% of Mine
Wow, big flex much?
Pottruck Opens New Floor for Straight Dudes That Just Want to Check Themselves Out in Mirror
Heterosexual males rejoice!
7-Year Dental Student Forgets to Floss, Expelled
Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.
Penn Sleep Center Study Confirms: Your Boy is Legit Passed the Fuck Out and You Should Totally Draw a Monster Dong on His Face
In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.
West Philly Swingers Facing Shortage of Adventurous Couples
Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.
Correction: Racist Comments Taken Out Of Context of Longer Racist Rant
As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.
Review: 5 Best Places to Cry in the Quad When the Looming Existential Dread and Cocaine Hit at the Same Time
The weekend is in full swing.
College Econ Major Explains Benefits of Liberal Arts Education to Goldman Sachs Recruiter
Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance
'It's Senior Year, I Don't Care About School Anymore!' Says Student Who Pulled All-Nighter in VP Last Night
Senior year: the year of lasts, firsts, parties, and the impending doom of transitioning into a somewhat functioning adult.
Wow! 18-Year-Old's Cutting OP-ED Sure to Keep Penn Admins Up at Night
Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches.