Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.

Fall is coming to an end with winter right around the corner, and you know what that means— Halloween szn is here! Every house, club, and frat is ready to throw the freakiest get togethers of the season. None will be more spooky than the upcoming Halloween party at ΒΩΩ.

Move over OCR, and make room for OAR (Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research).

Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.

Inspired by the recent record turnout for free flu shots, Student Health Services has begun offering vaccines for those who have come down with the “Freshman Plague.”

Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.

After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again.

Penn plans to convert all restaurants on and around campus to trendy, overpriced “bowl” places, Director of Hospitality Services Ann Herman said in an announcement on Wednesday.

Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.

A stuck-up girl who never learned manners, Kowalski dominates almost every recitation she goes to, finding the most inappropriate times to crack wildly inappropriate jokes.

The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.

Parents, how do they tick? We sent a veteran UTB reporter undercover as a Penn Dad to find out.

Because Mint JUUL pods are, objectively, the superior-tasting nicotine delivery mechanism, it is no surprise that these puppies constantly sell out at Penn’s central Wawa.

As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.

The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?

According to her colleagues, Dr. Caroline Jameston is the right hand of Penn’s chemistry department. Unfortunately, her colleagues would also note that Dr. Jameston’s right hand “will probably bankrupt us in a few years.”

In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.

If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.” 

In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.  

The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.