Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night. 

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.

Although no further details were given, the mood of the song called for a minute-long eyes closed air drum solo, with one lip bite during the final chorus

His dorm manners are definitely not husband material, but here’s how to see a future with him even though his clothes have probably been sitting in the washer overnight. 

In a bold decision certain to send shockwaves through both the University and Hollywood, College junior Max Rather inked a deal with 20th Century Fox on Tuesday for distribution of his short film “Birthright Vlog 2018!”

Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?

Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.

Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.

Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck. Schumann watched as students finished the first page of the test and flipped open the second page. Not a single student chuckled—not even a wry smile. Schumann had forgotten to include his sixth favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip above question 8.

In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.

Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.

After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.

Even though Kristen Polman (N ’22) came out as gay at the ripe age of 15, her mother, Stacy Polman, sometimes just can’t help herself—especially during this past Parents Weekend.

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 

Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.

Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices.

Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.