Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.

While polls put Senator Casey ahead of Lou Barletta the race for the U.S. Senate, this date night may be just the blatant pandering strategy that could put him over the edge in November.

“I loved your show the other day, where you either talked or played music.”

Eyewitness reports are confirming that Bert Saltalamacchia, Professor of English, took off his plaid sportcoat while delivering a feverish finale to his three hour seminar on Blake.

The American Society of Slap Cup (ASSCup) announced Friday that they had updated the rules of the popular drinking game Slap Cup to reflect calls for a more progressive game.

It’s hot, wet, and moist in the City of Brotherly Love, which means that it’s everyone’s favorite time of year: mold season!

Julia Matthews (W ‘22) knew she was always slightly outperforming her peers. She could understand math problems faster than most people, and she always gave the most insightful comments during classroom discussions. Of course, she was accepted to Penn.

Shocking the lecture hall and flouting academic precedent, Prof. Harold Ash of the Chemistry department revealed that the curve in his Chem 102 class was set for nothing more than “the drama,” despite information to the contrary on the syllabus.

Upon moving her belongings into her room, junior Kate Lanthorpe (C ’20) was praised for her wall artwork— especially the beautiful and exotic tapestry she got from Target.

He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.

When Malia Jackson (W ‘20) was accepted for an internship with Senator Patty Murray (D-Washington), she was reportedly “ecstatic,” immediately making plans for a short-term lease on an apartment and packing all of her various power suits.

Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?

Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face. 

Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."

Students in GEOL 104, Rocks and Sand, were met by a pleasant surprise on Tuesday when they received an email from CITsender. The Grade? An A+. For everyone in the class.

Alvin McDavid (C '21), who is best known for having listened to the 2011 smash throwback hit Pumped Up Kicks "before it was mainstream," has just discovered a new musical masterpiece upon which he can base his entire social media presence—Brockhampton's Irridescence.

Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself.

As of Saturday afternoon, Lara Simmons (C '21) came to the realization that she was prepared to divulge all personal secrets in an effort to fill an awkward silence.

Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!

Tyler Stones (C ’21) has missed every single 9 a.m. class this semester. It’s not for the reasons you might think, though.