I may be powerless to stop you from blasting EDM at 2 a.m., but we have a public army of guards who will make sure that no innocent civilian is ever subjected to your Diplo remix of a song way more popular than the original.

What a lovely morning I was having. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I only had two stress dreams the night before.

After a year of wildly controversial and deeply prejudiced statements, Penn Law professor Amy Wax is up in arms again—this time over what she sees as the systemic takedown of careers of some “perfectly nice” priests throughout Pennsylvania.

"People who are sexually aroused by Gritty need not cross their legs in shame,' the law professors" statement reads. "By definition, a 'furry fetish' requires that object of desire is both non-human and abnormal in nature. In the case of Gritty, the evidence has shown that his sex appeal is anything but abnormal."

Goodbye Koreana, hello Second Year Experience! After announcing mandatory on-campus living for all sophomores beginning in 2021, Gutmann has made moves to open yet another dorm—New New College House West North.

Alex Sanson (E ’20) doesn’t know when to stop. This deranged triple major has run amuck on the PennInTouch course selection page, slurping up courses like a tactless warthog at a buffet. But the madness ends today.

In an unprecedented display of charity, an anonymous donor has gifted the College of Arts and Sciences a 23-year-old Windows computer—the largest gift in the school’s history.

A study from the Wharton Behavioral Lab released today concluded that the Wharton School is the most popular charitable cause amongst Wharton graduates. Many Wharton grads cited charitable donation as “at odds” with their strong capitalist values, saying it would likely be better for those less fortunate to “figure it out for themselves.” Donating to their alma mater, however, appears to be the happy medium. 

Are you fresh out of underwear? Don't fear, we've got this one. We've cut down our deluge of delicatessen directions to our top four methods for crafting underwear out of deli meats.

US News reports that Penn used the word 79 times in their admissions packets, over 7 times more frequently of their nearest competitors. Berkeley came in second with 6, Duke with 5, followed by literally every Ivy League school with either 0 or 1 mentions of the word.

A six page, 10 point font, single spaced behemoth of a reading laid before her. She’d been here before.

"Other frats are definitely bad. But this frat? It's just different," Cavanaugh said, adjusting the collar on his pastel Hawaiian shirt.

"I hate how they pretend to get to know you and then reject you. It just feels fake and impersonal," complained Chan, whose club cut 50 freshmen after reading through responses to insightful, personalized questions such as, "Why do you want to join DIVEST?"

Derrick Thompson (C ’22) has been pumping iron all week, and for what reward? “The Pottruck employees still don’t recognize me,” Thompson lamented to UTB. “I’ve gone almost every other day for a week, and they treat me like I’m just one gym goer out of thousands. It’s offensive, honestly. Maybe they just don’t recognize me because of how swole I’ve gotten. That’s probably it.”

Last week, the White House awarded College senior Victor Wu the Medal of Honor for his bravery in very large lecture halls. Even in his 500-person PSYC 001 lecture, Wu keeps his phone ringer on and refuses to silence it, even when someone calls him three times straight. “He has the biggest balls out of anyone I’ve ever seen,” one of his professors said. “And trust me, as an academic, I’ve seen some very large balls before.”

Just like my mother, I believe in positive reinforcement. As a kid, when I would come home from school burnt out and tired, she would always make me a snack. It was something to look forward to. It was something that kept me excited to learn.

Newsflash, my dudes! Men’s rights are finally being brought to the table at Penn. After years of the powerful and exclusive Woman’s Club dominating the scene, men are rising up from the ashes to put the (M)enn back in Penn. You heard us ladies: your estrogen party is officially OVER. Say goodbye to public spaces that are dominated by women’s paraphernalia and hello to graffiti dicks on every flat surface around campus. Because at long last, the Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major at Penn has been joined by its partner, Penn Men’s Studies (PMS).

Wow. Good luck explaining this one, Kyle. I don’t think anybody in your house is going to trust you again for a long, long time. Kyle Goldberg (E ’18) lives in a house with six of his friends. When they moved in, Kyle insisted they set up a chore wheel and divvy up responsibilities around the house.

“Wow, thank goodness for that task force,” is probably something most Penn students are used to saying all the time. From recommending event observers to insinuating that reducing alcohol consumption will stop sexual assault, Penn’s task force has really gotten the job done. And now, they've done it again.

Josh Greenberg (W ’18) concentrates in Finance and Statistics and has taken a pretty typical course load so far: Advanced Corporate Finance for his major, Intro to Marketing (received a B- despite claiming it was “common sense” the entire semester), and a Gender Studies class just to pick up chicks.