Most Recent
OP-ED: My Name Tent Doesn’t Define Me, My Pensive Sighing Does
The horror, goddam the horror.
Sheesh: This Homeless Man Just Told You He’ll Also Take Venmo
Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!
Finally! Penn Dems Adds New Affinity Group for Blue-Eyed Blondes
The oppressed majority.
Marry Me? I Love the Way You Say Words You Don’t Know How To Pronounce At Three Times Normal Speed
Don’t mince words, butcher them.
Cougar Much? Girl (19, Junior) Goes to Date Night With 22 Year Old Freshman
I mean...what a fucking creep, right?
Penn Global Institute for Human Rights Commissioned to Solve Age-Old Dilemma “Is Squirt Just Pee?”
This inquiry, pitched to the Penn Carey Law Global Institute for Human Rights, required an elite force of thinkers to tackle the case.
Omg, Nooo! Girl Whose Texts I’m Reading in Front of Me Tells Friend This Class Is Boring, Friend Agrees
You are so bored and I know how much you hate that.
Girl in Photography Class Who You Thought Was Cool Shows Pictures from Her Fall Break: Actually Upper-Middle Class and Suburban
Scaaaarsdale. Scarsdalé. Dalé! Like Pitbull! Wow. That’s worldly.
REPORT: Is That a First Date or Is My Crush Just Coffee Chatting That Double D European Chick?
Is he trying to get a referral to work in asset management, or is he trying to manage her assets?
All Donors Matter: I’m No Longer an Organ Donor Because I Hate Liz Magill
Now, if I die in combat – as I drive my digital billboard truck – there is no way that anyone at Penn or Liz Magill (we’re both Type O) will receive my bleeding heart, my “BRN” eyes, or my fat ass.
Pledging is Over: Girl in Your Seminar Who Wears Animal Onesie Just Weird
Like did she get in or not?
Sniffling Lil Bitch Boy Thinks Using Tissues Makes Him Unmanly
Sniffle, sniffle, little bitch.
Crippling Social Anxiety? Here Are UTB's Top 5 Tips on How to Walk Down Locust
We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 — the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for?
Duos This, Gardens That; I Just Wanna Party Party Party Till My Panties Fall Off
When I next put on some groovy flared jeans, I will shake ass. I will party party party till my panties fall down.
REPORT: $80 For a Farm Wristband Seems Like a Lot, Phi Delt Brother Acknowledges
What if we were so far removed from it all that the lie became the truth?
OP-ED: I Just Saw You Piss On Ben Franklin And You Definitely Need To Hydrate
Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream.
Nevertheless She Persisted! Girl Puts on Light Sweater in Cold Lecture Hall, Makes it Known
Cold lecture hall, be gone. Git!
Heartwarming! My Potential Formal Date Drafts Message About Her Dead Grandma in Notes App
I tend to assume the worst in women and I tend to be right. She’s “depressed?” Yeah, that’s code word for disinterested. She has other friends. Yeah, more like men. She’s 'gay'? Yeah, more happy without you.
