College Green was covered in sleeping high school seniors Thursday night, as a lack of willing hosts forced Quaker Days attendees to embrace the great outdoors.

The discovery was made by sophomore Keith Porbant (C ’20). Every time he would feel a little sick and would pay a visit to Student Health, it would almost become routine that he would end up walking out with a diagnosis of mononucleosis. 

Recently, UTB met with Sidney Andrews, a sophmore in the College who goes to all of her classes because they’re on her schedule and her parents paid for them. Sorry, wHaT?! Yeah, I’ll repeat.

The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette.

Seated in the front row of all of her econ and poli sci classes, PPE senior Janae Lewis always has a Macbook and Venti Starbucks iced black coffee at hand. She types furiously in a caffeine—and sometimes Adderall—fueled daze. She nods at everything the professor says, somehow taking notes even when there’s nothing to take notes on.

Some students define themselves by the clubs they’re part of. Not so with Anna May (E ‘19). Upon entering Penn, she knew that the Squirrel Protection Society (SPS) would be her home for the four years to come.

When Caroline Jimenez (W '19)  saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.

“I thought to myself, ‘I wonder how far I can take this?’” Michaels said.

If you are looking to complicate the life of your local barista, here are four milks that scream ‘I’m gastrointestinally stable, but God forbid I be left out of the wellness revolution.

The study also found that 72% of professors listening were viscerally upset by the lyrics describing CupcakKe as “warm and melted.”

Last Tuesday, an apocalyptic battle between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the street preachers broke out on top of the button, resulting in the deaths of at least three squirrels who were killed in the crossfire. 

There are images of you from long ago in which you look decades older than you currently do. Is that a result of proper exfoliation and skin-toning, or plastic surgery

Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.

Always trying to adjust to the times, Penn grandmother Bess Walderstein is sure that her weekly envelope of newspaper clippings to her grandson, Connor (W '20), is relevant and helpful to his life at Penn.

This year, SPEC chose to bring four artists to Fling in a controversial move that several close friends of SPEC leadership lauded as "brave and innovative." However, our data analysts at Under the Button believe that this is simply the first step in a troubling trend.

If there’s one thing that’s harder than struggling after your first year, it’s struggling many more times your second, third, fourth, and if you failed CIS160, your fifth years at Penn.

“Hump me, fuck me! Daddy better make me choke!” came bursting in through the cafe. Deborah Williams choked and gagged on her honey smoked turkey breast on ciabatta.