And look at that — you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?

Erm… as if there’s a “regular” type of period to have.

She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor.

It was a simpler time; I still considered myself pre-med, ate McClelland eight times a week, and protested Castle.

Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play.

How did this man have access to all this information? The answer may shock you.

I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!

If this is the price we must pay, I say let the daylight go unsaved.

They can correctly answer how long Oz lived in New Jersey, but have zero clue what the chain rule is.

Sure, ghosts, zombies and vampires are scary, but wouldn’t we rather face poltergeists and the undead than face loneliness, ostracization, apathy, and disappointed parents? 

Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy? 

We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.

“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.

I am Girl.