This Yom Kippur, I’ll be thanking God for the ultimate gift: repentance and a size 24.

I love John Mayer.

Although the portrait of the Meiklejohns can be offputting, UTB assures you that they’re pretty chill once you get to know them. 

This little guy's been with her through thick and thin. And, he has the scars to prove it: a small tear from years of loving hugs, a scratched glass-eye from falling out the car window on a family road-trip, and now, a crusty patch of fur from Amanda’s recent situationship.

They will tell their bouncer to kindly inform all attendees that a “special guest” may be showing up.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m not longer shocked and appalled by it.

Under the Button would like to distance itself from any alleged associations with the Daily Pennsylvanian at this time.

Why tf are acronyms so difficult at Penn??   

Eat, drink, and be merry!

I am the fucking Commons alpha.

Clark doesn’t describe himself as an alcoholic, however; rather, he is a connoisseur of the Lites.

The idea has received 'glowing' reviews.

I am fighting for YOUR rights to not be metaphorically —or literally I’m not judging— smacked with dicks of varying sizes in your peripheral vision. 

My Bubbe always told me to reach for the stars.

You found him the next week alone in his dorm with his eyes watering, staring at a picture of his best friend Richard Mater (C ’27), asking himself if it was casual now.

But, please, for the love of God. Just stop liking Keith McNally’s Instagram posts…

And this month, it’s getting heavy.

If a tree falls in the forest, but I am wearing noise-canceling headphones, does it make a sound?

“They’re gonna quit any day now,” said close friend Rick Flamenco, who always carries a Geek Bar set to burst mode on him, giving it during parties out to whoever asks. “I mean it’s not like any of us are addicted.”

I swear these are all genuinely overheard.